Showing posts with label General Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General Jokes. Show all posts

Similarity between Bill Gates and me?

What is similarity between Bill Gates and me?
Don’t know??
He never comes to my house
and I never go to his house

Wrong pronounciation

What's wrong?

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)

Karate in Heaven

There were two old buddies who continued to compete in karate tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if there is karate in heaven and made a pact that whoever passed away first would come back and let the other know.

About a week later one of the old Karateka passed away. About a month after that the surviving old Karateka was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he saw an apparition. Sure enough it was his old buddy who had come back to see him.

"Well, please tell me," asked the surviving Karateka. "Are there karate competitions in heaven?"

"I have good news and bad news for you," replied the apparition to his old karate buddy.
"The good news is that, yes, there are karate competitions in heaven.The bad news is that your first match is against Gichin Funakoshi the day after tomorrow."

Women are clever,and men are.....

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom
women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, ABRA KA DABRA-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be
ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because
what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA KA DABRA-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

Fire Control

Ladies hostel caught Fire,

It tuk 1 hr 2 bring d Fire under control,
& another 3 hrs 2 bring d Firemen,under control..

Women life after giving up Shopping

A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the lady asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Two Faces of Question

John and Dave are walking from religious service. John wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Dave replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So John goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?”

The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

John goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Dave says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Dave goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”

Notice for Parking in front of your Computer

Offender : You!

Date: Today

Time: 1:00 a.m. (I.S.T)

Offence # : in front of the computer TOO LONG!

Details of Offence : During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the
Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front
of the computer TOO LONG!

You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and
papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you
have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log
back on to the Internet. Failure to comply may result in loss of reality,
carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.

The timer starts NOW!

Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later.

John Abraham

John Abraham was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

Pranks with Telecallers

The 10 Way's to teach lesson's to the annoying Telecallers

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder. ..louder. ..louder!

7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........"

9. Cry out in surprise, "Rekha, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the ICICI bank call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him/her the Pizza Hut or Mc Donald's  call center number.