Showing posts with label Family Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Jokes. Show all posts

Never use Facebook Gyaan

Once a father beats up his son and when son starts crying he says sorry.

Son says - Take a piece of paper. Crumble it. Fold it. Now open it. Say "sorry" to it. Are the scars on the paper gone ?

Dad says - Take my scooter and try to start. does it start ? Nahin naa.
Now give it 3-4 kicks. Now does it start ? Hua na.
Nalayak tu wahi scooter hai, koi paper nahi.
Aage se ye Facebook wale gyaan mujhe mat dena.

Grandma's Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Friendship Test

ThE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe...

Fully positive

Kuri waley Munde nu: Tusi nonveg khandey ho?
Munda: Haan




Sab kuch negative hai, kuch positive ve hai?
Munda: Haanji, HIV+

Billy and the Computer

Bill's company made software to run a car.
Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.

Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.
A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?"
Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.
He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.

बेचारा मर्द

मर्द  अगर  औरत  पर  हाथ  उठाए  तो  ज़ालिम , औरत  से  पिट  जाये  तो  बुजदिल

औरत  को  किसी  के  साथ  देख कर लड़े तो  इर्शालू, अगर  कुछ  न  कहे  तो  बेघैरत

अगर  घर  से  बहार  रहे  तो  आवारा , घर  में  रहे  तो  नाकारा

बचों  को  डांटे  तो  ज़ालिम , न  डांटे  तो  लापरवा

हाय  मर्द  बेचारा  जाये  तो  जाये  कहाँ !

औरत  को  कम  से  रोके  तो  दकियानुस , न  रोके  तो  औरत   की  कमाई  खाने  वाला

Kahan jana hein?

Train mein TT Sadhu se bola: Kahan jana hai?

Sadhu: Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.

TT: Ticket hai?

Sadhu: Nahin

TT: Chalo

Sadhu: Kahan?

TT: Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein

Barber and Asians

There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...

Ugly Kid looks like monkey

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company's mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Who is Deaf

Kanjibhai is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife Rupaben going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.

If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.
Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

Kanjibhai goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says,
"Muna ni Ba , what's for dinner?"

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Eh are you listening , what's for dinner?"
Still no answer.

He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally,Rupaben answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we're having THEPLA!"

Gujju and Earache

A Gujju woman took her baby to a doctor, who determined right away that the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote,
"Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough,
the pharmacist,had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear [Rear] every four hours.

RSVP means...

Kanjibhai was preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers.

Kanjibhai was not very good at English so he asked the printer to help him.

After the printer had presented Kanjibhai with a draft , Kanjibhai quickly pointed out that the " RSVP " was missing .

The printer was surprised by Kanjibhai's knowledge and asked him if Kanjibhai knew what it meant???.

Kanjibhai started to think and after much thought he replied :

"Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"

Quick Job Promotion

Kanjibhai called one of his employees into the office.

"Rohit ," he said, "you've been with the company for a year.

You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.

Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said Rohit.

"Thanks?" Kanjibhai replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," Rohit said. "Thanks, Bapuji."

Yesterday's Flight

The passengers were leaving the Air India plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied Kanjibhai paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," Kanjibhai said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time.

It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will.

I'm going to call your Air India home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered,

"but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

Does Management know their Staff?

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company

noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him,

"How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question,

he replied, none the less, "I earn 10000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed 30000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working,

not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,

"And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man

I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

Waiter and A.C.

Once a lady went into a restaurent. After sometime she called her waiter and asked him to turn the a.c. off. A few minutes later she again started fanning herself and asked the waiter to turn the a.c. on. Again after a few minutes she asked that waiter to turn the a.c. off, and this whole situation went on for about an hour.

Another man was sitting on the next table and was watching this whole scene going on, called that waiter and asked him " isn’t she driving you crazy?" the waiter replied "no sir I am driving her crazy, as we don’t have any air conditioning."

Sardarji at T.V. Shop

Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"


"Give me a green one, please."

Ajeet aur Raabert

Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.
Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain [ Champagne ] mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara

to Pain se mar jayega

Ab GK kya karenge

There was a brilliant student and his General Knowledge (*GK*) was excellent.
He won every GK Quiz he took part in ....

Then one day he fell in love with a girl... He proposed the girl, but she flatly rejected him The poor Indian fellow was heart-broken.

Strangely, after this episode, he became very weak at GK, he stopped taking part in GK Quizzes.....

Now, can u tell WHY ??

Jab Dil Hi Toot Gaya Toh GK ( jee ke) Kya Karenge!!